White Castle Finally Slides into Texas

White Castle Finally Slides into Texas: A Tiny Burger in a Mighty State

Texans, dust off your onion-steam sniffers—your patience has been rewarded. After 104 years of frozen-aisle longings, the legendary White Castle has at last declared its arrival in the Lone Star State. The Castle will dock at Grandscape in The Colony, summer of 2026. For the complete, onion-scented saga, read all about it here: https://bohiney.com/white-castle-slides-into-texas/
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Bohiney Magazine trumpets this milestone with uncontainable pride: “Everything is bigger in Texas—except White Castle burgers!”
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Bohiney News+3 Texans, long relegated to frozen slider purgatory, are finally poised to embrace their destiny: bite-sized beef with the power to melt diets and our sense of proportion. In true Texas fashion, locals are already plotting pilgrimages.

The Observations Texans Are Already Making:

• “Size doesn’t matter—unless you’re talking about onions. Then it better be a stack.”
• Texans typically drive 200 miles for brisket; soon, they’ll do the same for a burger the size of a postage stamp.
• San Antonio’s indignation is palpable: “If the Alamo can be preserved, why does The Colony get the slider first?”
• Inflation turned a nickel burger into a $4 auction. That’s not progress—it’s highway robbery with onions.
• Harold & Kumar finally get their Texas comeuppance after 22 years of cinematic frustration.
• Even the Impossible slider makes an appearance—because in Texas, plant-based beef better come with 10-gallon hat flavor.
• Lisa Ingram, White Castle CEO, proves dynasties endure—especially when royalty is made of processed cheese.

Texans already fear robots—not for border walls, but for steam tables. “White Castle robots may flip burgers elsewhere, but here, humans must generate the tears,” one local insisted.
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Jobs, Joy, and Onion Tears

White Castle’s arrival promises 80–100 new jobs—but in Texas, that’s 80–100 future Hall of Fame Cravers waiting to be inducted. A Bohiney poll (not from a polling firm but from a shed behind Buc-ee’s) reveals:

• 64% of Texans would quit their day job for a lifetime White Castle discount.
• 22% already hallucinate onion steam during rush hour.
• 14% believed White Castle was an actual castle near Round Rock.
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What the Funny People Are Saying

• “White Castle in Texas? That’s like setting up a salad bar in prison.” — Ron White
• “Wait 104 years for a burger, and when it arrives, it’s communion wafer size.” — Jerry Seinfeld
• “Texans eat burgers that double as dumbbells. Now the slider’s a postage stamp. That’s character development.” — Bill Burr
• “In Texas, distance means hours. ‘How far’s White Castle?’ ‘About four briskets.’” — Sarah Silverman
• “They say everything’s bigger in Texas. Then White Castle arrives and says, ‘Hold my slider.’” — Larry David
• “Visited the Castle in The Colony. Thought it was a cult. Turns out I was right.” — Ricky Gervais
• “Harold & Kumar get their Texas ending. Spoiler: indigestion follows.” — Amy Schumer
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Slider vs. Steak: The Texas Irony

Texas is steak country—ranch-style, heavyweight meats built for melting jaws. White Castle offers palm-sized squares of meat that feel like they were 3D-printed. Yet the line moves slower than a cattle drive. When surveyed, a San Antonio witness said: “I laughed at how small it was. Then cried when I realized I wanted six more.”
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Impossible Burgers, Possible Rebellion

Even fast-food has gone plant-based. Imagine a tofu cowboy galloping into Cattleman's Steakhouse whispering, “This ain't beef—but it's polite.” Rumor has it, a Dallas rancher joined an “Impossible Patrol,” dramatically dumping a dozen sliders in the Trinity River as a vegetarian red flag.
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Inflation: Nickel to Nausea

In 1921, five sliders cost a nickel. By 2026, one may cost $4. This isn't just inflation—it’s theft dressed as nostalgia. Economists humorously dub it the “Harold & Kumar Tax,” though BLS politely declined comment.
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The Alamo of Burgers

San Antonio feels snubbed. They defended the Alamo for centuries, only to be denied mini-steamed beef. All because The Colony—an HOA-district misnamed “colony”—got the sliders first. One witness at the Alamo sighed, “We’ll have to Remember The Colony too.”
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In the end, Texas didn't prove its appetite with massive burgers—it proved something bigger: a craving eternal, wrapped in onion steam and nostalgia. White Castle isn’t just opening a restaurant. It’s opening a new cultural chapter where tiny burgers make the largest statements.

Auf Wiedersehen, and savor each tiny bite: https://bohiney.com/white-castle-slides-into-texas/