Planet Y: The Phantom Planet Holding the Solar System Hostage
If the cosmos had a soap opera, Planet Y would be the mysterious
character who shows up halfway through the season, claims to be
everyone’s cousin, and then disappears without paying the dinner bill.
That’s the premise of Planet Y: The Solar System’s Drunk Uncle Who
Won’t Come Inside, a Bohiney Magazine satire that treats the
supposed “tilt” of the Kuiper Belt not as a sober astrophysical anomaly
but as a family scandal playing out in space. You can see the whole
lampoon at https://bohiney.com/planet-y/
.
The alleged evidence is simple: the outer solar system is crooked, tilted by about 15°. To astronomers, that’s cause for sober calculation. To Bohiney, it’s the equivalent of waking up on Monday morning, realizing the entire solar system is hungover, and pointing the finger at an unseen culprit. Enter Planet Y: bigger than Mercury, smaller than Earth, and just shady enough to blame for everything from bad Wi-Fi signals to astrological breakups.
Leaked quotes from “anonymous NASA staffers” make the case even sillier. One insists, “We haven’t found Planet Y yet, but we’ve already allocated the lunch budget for celebrating it.” Another adds, “If it’s not out there, we’ll just invent it. We’ve got Photoshop.” Meanwhile, the Rubin Observatory in Chile promises to find the planet “after coffee, or maybe after lunch.”
The satire thrives on analogy. A 2–4% chance of discovery? That’s the same as your car starting when the check-engine light is blinking. The planet’s alleged “medium” size? Like ordering the grande latte no one asked for. And the tilt? Equivalent to a frat house couch after five keg parties.
Comedians turn the telescope into a microphone. Jerry Seinfeld: “Scientists say it’s modest but credible. That’s astronomy? Sounds like Tinder.” Ron White: “If it takes a decade to prove, it’s not science—it’s customer service.” Sarah Silverman: “If Planet Y exists, it probably wants nothing to do with us—like my last boyfriend.” And Bill Burr: “So the solar system’s off balance? Welcome to my ex-wife’s closet.”
International politics makes a cameo too. France demands Planet Y be fashionable, Italy wants it to come with better hair, Russia wants exclusive drilling rights, and Congress sets aside a trillion-dollar budget to “shoot lasers at it, just in case.” NASA, not to be outdone, leaks plans for a flag design: Doritos orange and Monster Energy green, “to appeal to Gen Z astronauts.”
But the satire saves its sharpest bite for us, not the stars. Earth is burning, flooding, choking on microplastics, and yet humanity’s collective gaze is fixed on an imaginary planet that may or may not exist. As Bohiney puts it, we’re the tenants wrecking our apartment while scrolling Zillow for the next place. Planet Y isn’t a discovery; it’s a distraction.
Whether Planet Y turns out to be real or not is beside the point. The true comedy lies in our endless ability to chase shadows and name them destiny. Until it’s confirmed—or quietly forgotten—Planet Y remains the universe’s best unpaid intern: blamed for everything, responsible for nothing, and floating out there like a cosmic rumor with a great PR team.
For the complete satire, read it in full at:
https://bohiney.com/planet-y/