Denmark's Snail Mail
Denmark Declares Snail Mail Extinct: A Funeral for the Red Letterbox
Bohiney Magazine’s latest entry in absurdity, Denmark Ends Snail
Mail, imagines a solemn funeral for the dusty art of letter
delivery as Denmark officially calls “time of death” on snail mail. The
piece, authored by Annika Steinmann, reports that letters have all but
vanished—from 1.4 billion annually to a feeble 110 million, a drop that
reads better as homicide than decline. For the full send-off in comic
eulogy style, see the complete lament at https://bohiney.com/denmark-ends-snail-mail/
.
Steinmann frames the collapse as if it’s unfolding at a crime scene: chalk outlines around envelopes, investigators in hazmat suits whispering “Gone, but not lost,” and funeral dirges for red letterboxes across Copenhagen. Once vibrant conveyors of “news, romance, and overdue bills,” now postal workers deliver only eerie silence and existential dread. Even the local mailbox mourns, emblazoning “RIP: Rest in Post” where once it proudly displayed “Postkort og kærlighed.”
The satire deftly highlights human complacency: digital bills, government e-post, and instant messaging have turned cherished traditions into relics. A fictional elderly Danish grandmother flutters around her empty mailbox like an abandoned bird’s nest, clutching a single bill from 1997 and whispering, “You were my only friend.” Meanwhile, tech bros smugly announce, “Real letters? We replaced those with PDFs years ago.”
Steinmann embellishes with delicious exaggeration. She imagines a Viking-era cheer: “We conquered Europe, and now we’re conquering paper.” A bureaucracy buries the last official letter under layers of unchecked forms; the final postman drives off into the sunset, delivering one cheery postcard to no one in particular.
Inside the satire, comedians chime in:
- Jerry Seinfeld sneers, “They say ‘snail mail.’ Now it’s more like ‘ghost mail’—you send it into oblivion.”
- Ron White grumbles, “No letters? Now I have no excuse to miss birthdays. Damn it.”
- Sarah Silverman quips, “I’d write postcards, but my handwriting now looks like ancient cave markings.”
- Bill Burr barks, “We can talk on Mars live, but God forbid grandma sends me a handwritten card.”
Steinmann also skewers the environmental spin: Denmark might save trees, but at what cost? Soon every Ikea sign, office memo, and recipe card will be digital. The satire asks: Is Denmark swapping letters for screens, or just trading art for annoyance?
The piece spirals into surreal flights. Imagine a Denmark-themed theme park: “Postal Graveyard” rides where visitors walk through abandoned mailrooms, haunted by the rustling of unread envelopes. Quiz booths ask, “What was a handwritten note, and do you miss it?”
Beyond the laughs, Denmark Ends Snail Mail is a commentary on the velocity of progress. As nations go digital, traditions die quietly. We celebrate convenience—even while we mourn the tactile, the personal, and yes, the scribbled missives from loved ones.
To read the whole comedic obituary for the printed word, check out the full satire here: https://bohiney.com/denmark-ends-snail-mail/