Being an introvert

I blow hot and cold on blogging and content creation quite a lot at the moment. As you would’ve seen if you follow my blog I will go some months where I will post a lot, and others that I will post nothing. When I’m feeling down or off blogging I actually find the idea of doing it a little cringy. I’m just a boring, greying, 30 something with nothing massively interesting to say. The thought of putting my thoughts on there on the internet doesn’t just feel like a waste of time, it also feels a little embarrassing in a way. I don’t post anything controversial, on this blog or on social media so I have no fear of real people in my life finding it or anything like that, but I do get the feeling that they would at the very least dismiss my posts with a little snigger if they did come across it. This same feeling is what puts me off streamingregularly. I play games pretty much every night, yet I stream maybe once a week. Streaming to no one and talking to myself does physically make me cringe, yet I have fun doing it so I know I shouldn’t really care.

On the other hand, however, when I’m feeling more positive about blogging, or streaming, it feels like a very satisfying and relaxing thing to do. I find great satisfaction and pride if I’m retweeted by someone, or someone comments on my posts. I don’t blog for money, I have few followers, due in part to regular changes to my domain, so the pressure to post and create content is non-existent. I am my own biggest fan, but also my own worst enemy. I will overthink what I should, or shouldn’t, post or make a video on and I’m not entirely sure why at this point.

I think some of the doubt, and uncomfortableness I feel when putting myself out there comes from the fact I’m extremely introverted and have no friends. I don’t really have a sounding board for my interests, so I internalise them all I build a wall around myself. I have a very loving wife, and daughter, so don’t get me wrong I’m not completely alone, but my wife has never had an interest in gaming or many of my interests, so that isn’t really an option for sounding out thoughts or ideas, or to really get encouragement for them. I will convince myself that not only no one cares what I have to say, which I can completely understand, but also that by opening myself up, even online via a simple blog post no one will see, is like breaking a hole in my own defences and letting in … God knows what. This is how unreasonable this unwillingness to open up is. I don’t even know myself what the worse case scenario would be. Would it be someone at work laughing at me? I couldn’t care less. Could it be a troll disagreeing with my comment and sending me a mean message? This wouldn’t even appear on my radar. There is literally no tangible risk, that I would care about, with opening up more and just lightening up. Yet, somehow, that little voice in the back of my head will stop me doing it.

Introversion feels almost like a debilitating illness sometimes. As I approach 40, I can’t help but think how much I have probably missed out on, or prevented myself from enjoying over this lifetime. I don’t think many people understand or appreciate how limiting this feeling in your head can be. Others will often see the fact that you turn down invites to go out, or do something with them as rude, or that you’re stuck up. You end up convincing yourself you don’t want to go out, you don’t want to do things and everyone moves on. Deep down, however, you yearn for it. A Twitter friend of my is often inviting me to play Warzone, or other online games with them and, whilst I do on occasion, it’s a real battle of wills with the little Gollum like bugger in the back of my brain telling me it’s a bad idea and more often than not I make my excuses and miss out.

This post has gone off on a complete tangent, after starting it just to highlight the quite above, and to encourage people to, essentially, not be like me and to blog and share your views with like minded people. It’s turned into a bit of a depressing sob story. If you’ve made it this far without eye rolling yourself to death you deserve a prize.

I always end up trying to write my blog posts like I would have learnt at school. I try to include an introduction, and end on a conclusion of some sort. There is no conclusion for this one, however. There is no epiphany I will have here, and change my ways now I’ve identified my problem. Just like Dexter’s Dark Passenger

this introvert insect will always be worming away in my brain. Perhaps the only conclusion I can give for this ramble is that if you’re reading this and I’ve ever made an excuse to avoid going out with you or playing online with you, I apologise and know that it’s not personal.