Writing it Out ✍️

In the past, I've written about my desire to "preserve" things. I unrealistically have christened myself keeper of my fandoms, family history, personal memories, etc. I put this enormous amount of responsibility on myself to keep up and collect things that really do not interest me anymore. And while I love to dabble in the past, I've always felt like this unrealistic expectation has kept me anchored in the past more than I'd like.

I'm getting better at letting things go and learning to say, "This isn't my responsibility." I believe knowing that my time is running out on this Earth has helped put things into perspective, but I've also found a way to exercise these emotions and that is by writing.

See, in my mind, I feel like it's up to me to stay current on everything. I mean, how can you be a true fan of something if you haven't seen every minute of it, read every tie-in book, and can name all the character actor's names? And so, pretty much my entire life, I've spent hours upon hours researching and keeping up with various interests, many of which have run their course in my life. I mean, do I really need to stay up to date with the latest James Bond news? Or does it matter who won last week's NASCAR race when I haven't watched regularly in decades?

The problem is: I can't just tell myself to stop caring. It doesn't seem to work. I have to either find something ethically or morally that I object to OR I have to write about it. If I can take an hour and write out my history with the subject, my memories, and what I loved about it, it's almost as if I can finally let it go. My brain gives myself permission to move on, and that is a wonderful feeling.

So, over the years, I've discussed various television shows, movies, books, music, etc., as a form of release. Just a way to free my mind of these false obligations. I believe that knowing those memories are preserved in writing takes the stress off my brain that I'll forget all about it or what I loved. I'm sure there's some weird childhood trauma wrapped up in this response.

I believe this is also a reason why I need to start preserving my blogs better. I'm currently working on an archive of old posts, but I think by preserving these thoughts and feelings, I can learn to soothe these strange feelings of control. Just this week, I was re-reading some old blogs, and I was amazed to see how much comfort came from just knowing that I had documented "that time" or "what I was feeling then." My brain realized that I didn't need to take up valuable space trying to remember those details, they were already written down and just reading over them helped trigger the memories.

When I was younger, I could remember anything. Sport stats, movie casts, wrestling results were all fresh in my mind at a moment’s notice. But now, I don't need that information. It's already fading, so I need to work on purging the rest of it so that my mind is free to remember the new memories and the stuff that is actually important.