Turning Down the Noise

My wife and I put our dog down less than a week ago and it has wrecked me. I'm in shock at how much it has upset me, since I'm not a self-proclaimed dog lover. I don't have a "My Rescue Rescued Me" magnet on my car, nor have I flooded social media with posts about my dog. He didn't sleep in the bed with us nor was he allowed on the couch. I mean, we just weren't one of those "dogs are my fur baby" type of people, but it doesn't matter. I feel like part of my soul has been ripped out.

My wife and I have spent some time discussing this. One of the main thoughts behind this grief is that we were a tight family unit. In the past five years, we've been through a pandemic, job loss, home loss, a huge family falling out, and more. It's been rough, but whenever I came home Marley was always there. And now he's not. Even though he was annoying and a major pain in the butt, he was my pain in the butt.

Something else that has occurred to me is that I believe his passing has triggered something within me about my own mortality. I can't beat death. I think one of the hardest things I've had to sit with is deep down I felt like, if I could just think hard enough or research enough, I could bring Marley back. I could find a way to be with him, which of course, is impossible. All my research, time and money couldn't keep him alive, so I certainly cannot raise him from the dead. I've also seen Pet Semetary and I know how that goes.

Accepting the finality of death has made me look at a lot of things differently. For one, some of the harsh statements about death in some philosophies/religions are now completely off-putting. I tried to write a "Seeking Calmness" post about this, but I honestly couldn't stomach how abrupt so much of the commentary around death could be. I certainly didn't find any calmness in it. It's made me question a lot about what I believe and where I spend my time studying.

I've also found that all the noise seems to no longer matter to me. All that entertainment news and gossip, I'm over it. Video games being cancelled or launching poorly, who cares? Apple under investigation, whatever? Suddenly... all that once seemed important is now put into perspective and I realize absolutely none of it matters and my tolerance for it is non-existent. I've been trying to find a way to disengage from all this for years now, and well I think I've finally found a path.

I need some more time for healing. I know I have some unanswered emails and I've been MIA on Mastodon, but I'm going to take a short break. I need to get my head straight and I've been writing a lot in Diarium lately and I think I need to focus on feeling a little better and finding something I would want to talk about other than my dead dog. So, please don't think I'm ignoring anyone, I just need to step away for a few weeks and allow the water to settle.